How To Keep A Man

“Do you still get butterflies when you see me?”

Yesterday, the Premiership Football season ended and Arsenal fans celebrated another season finishing narrowly ahead of Tottenham.  It confirmed something I had been pondering for a while.  This one is a gem, trust me.

I’ve spoken much on the need men have for variety and sometimes the unwillingness men have to settle down and stay with the same woman.  I realised that this is not the case and it’s simply a case of lacking motivation.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a need for variety and keeping things fresh but I don’t feel, on the whole, that guys are unwilling to settle down.  They just aren’t given the correct stimulus.

I’ve been in relationships where after a few months, the lady in question will ask some variant of the quote above and to be very honest, the answer is no.  Of course, my desire for peace of mind may lead me to divert the conversation and avoid having to answer the question, just to avoid lying.  However, there’s a lesson to be learnt here.  A woman’s idea of long-term commitment is often romantic and beautiful.  The mistake these women make is assuming it should be the same for a man.

I’m about to drop the gem on you now so get ready.  In the case of a long-term relationship, using traditional romance to motivate a man is a losing strategy. The mentality with the most effectiveness, is not the romantic mentality but the team mentality.

I hope you see what I’m saying here.  I’m not saying men can’t be romantic, or don’t like romance, but a man is more likely to stick with a woman if he sees her as his team mate.  Many women forget this and see themselves as simply romantic partners, or even worse “recipients of romance”.  They think it’s about the hugging and the holding and the dinners and the dancing.  Men will start off doing these things for the romance.  Men will keep doing these things for the team.

For every single, “not ready to settle down” guy I know, he has at least two relationships he will fight for tooth and nail.  He probably supports the same sports team he’s always supported and uses the same barber he’s always used.  With both of these entities they have a team bond, especially when it comes to barbers.  When you understand the power a man’s barber has over his life you realise that sometimes when you date a man, you are really dating the handiwork of a barber.  I’m proud to say my barber is flipping awesome.  When he left the barbershop he used to work at, I tracked down his number and now pay him extra to come to cut my hair at my house.  He will then ask about my career and we’ll listen to the Bible on audiobook or discuss current issues.  See what I was willing to do to keep my team together?

Whilst men are known to encourage other men who regularly switch women, they will lambast a guy who switches football teams.  Men stay with their football teams through wins and losses, promotions and relegations, boom and bankruptcy.  At the beginning of the season, men will lump out huge sums of money for season tickets and set aside quality time with their team EVERY week and even be spontaneous when it comes to extra games.  Men will physically fight to maintain and restore honour to the name of their team.  It seems both gang members and football hooligans are willing to die for simply the colours they represent.  Football managers constantly pay tribute to the fans because they know sometimes, they can be the 12th player.  What we’re talking about here is not flimsy.  The teams do not sell their male fans on the basis of any kind of romance but simply on the fact that no matter who’s on the bench, who’s on the team, who’s just been sold or who’s just been bought, the team is all that matters.

Then you ladies come along expecting a man to feel butterflies after the 1324895th time he has seen you?  If that’s what you want, fine, but it’s ineffective is what I’m saying.  If you can show your man, or even a guy you like, why you are an asset to his concept of a team, you’d be surprised what he’ll do for you.  I think for most guys, if given the chance to sleep with another woman, it would be quite tempting.  If you remind that man of his love for his girlfriend, in a romantic sense of the word, he can get over that and separate love and sex. If you say, by sleeping with this woman, you’re slacking off and ruining the team, the little superhero inside him, kicks into action.  The team demands everything of a man, and more…but the team deserves it.

So as far he’s concerned, if you come to him and say,

“I remember you have that meeting today.  You’re going to be super hungry so I put a sandwich in your briefcase”

You have shown your value on the team.  You’re not the one physically in the meeting.  You’re not the one asking why he’s in a meeting and not taking you to dinner.  The moment he gets super hungry, and reaches for that sandwich, you are part of the meeting and you are the part that’s kicking butt in that meeting.  Long-term love for a man is a lot more practical and useful.  His barber constantly proves his worth and usefulness to him.  Then you decide you deserve to be wined and dined “just because”?  Well I’d advise you to check who’s winning here.

In this world there are men who have left their Bride for one of her Bridesmaids. I don’t know any men who have said they support Arsenal then switched to Tottenham.

See what I did there Tottenham? Always the Bridesmaid, never the Bride…I know, it was clever.

Follow me on Twitter @olathecomedian


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